One of the greatest dangers to women through the decades is the role of Action Movie Girlfriend. These innocent women are killed off willy-nilly so their secretly-super guys can step up and wreak vengeance on evildoers. Are your days numbered, or are you ready to forget the horns and just grab the bull by the balls? Take this quiz and find out!
1. My boyfriend is…
a. A stoned pizza delivery guy who plays World of Warcraft all day.
b. Secretly trained by a deadly cult/martial arts school/bunch of gangsters/killer aliens but now he’s just trying to lead an ordinary life.
c. Chuck Norris.
d. Boyfriend? Please. He would just slow me down.
2. I can defend myself by…
a. Getting committed to an asylum and doing enough pull-ups that I can cock a shotgun with one arm.
b. Throwing a few kung fu moves until I am overpowered by bad guys and/or knocked out a window.
d. Re-programming Skynet from the phone app I just built.
3. Together, my guy and I have…
a. Secret superhero identities and separate cans of whoop-ass.
b. An adorable tot who either has a target on his back or the ability to learn ninja moves from his daddy.
c. No hopes and dreams, just an asthmatic turtle named Frank.
d. A zombie survival plan that may involve shotguns, napalm and the desire to see the undead flicker like birthday candles.
4. Lately my boyfriend has seen me…
a. In a giant cargo loader kicking an alien’s ass.
b. In a slow motion montage of happy moments laughing in the park.
c. In a picture frame that will be broken and strewn about later in the movie.
d. He hasn’t seen me, because *I’m* the ninja.
If you answered with all Bs, you are at risk. Step up the jujitsu lessons, practice at the gun range more often or just leave him for someone else. Any guy will do, as long as they don’t sparkle. (That opens up a whole new can of worms.)
If you answered all Cs, run! Don’t pack a bag, don’t scribble a message, just run! You are moments away from hearing bad guy theme music while you’re unpacking the groceries.
If you answered As and Ds, you’re not in danger, but your boyfriend could be toast if he can’t keep up. Promise him you’ll avenge his death by kicking the crap out of forty or fifty bad guys, because you are the hero.